That’s Not What I Meant! How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships. Deborah Tannen, Balantine Books, 1986.
This is a mass-market book on sociolinguistics. When we talk, there is a message (our words) and a metamessage (our actions). The metamessage supersedes the message. People use various ways of controlling the meaning of conversations. Something like indirectness can be a barrier when people want to be told explicitly, but it can build rapport or safety too. The relative power of speakers can control what either hears.
When we talk, we work in a frame that represents how we view the conversation. Sometimes, a conversation can be re-framed to make it mean something completely different. Re-framing is a powerful but dangerous tool.
Finally, it’s worth considering how style differences affect conversations. For example, some people wait for different-length pauses before speaking. Someone who waits just a little longer can feel, “I can’t get a word in,” while the other can feel, “This person is making me carry the whole conversation.”
This book was helpful in bringing out these issues, but doesn’t really have as much direct advice on how to address them as I had hoped for. (Reviewed August, ’03)